Learn how to collaboratively disagree

Disagreements spiral out of a key difference between you and your partner. Hundreds of differences can exist between 2 people, here are 5 examples:

1. Finances

2. Parenting

3. Division of responsibilities

4. Politics

5. Nutrition

Because of the many differences that can exist, you and your partner will likely disagree many times from week-to-week, month-to-month, year-to-year. Learning how to collaboratively disagree means saving your relationship from the harm conflict can cause.

How do differences evolve?

A difference with your partner often concerns a preference gradually shaped throughout your life. An example is how you go about managing your finances; while you may have learned to squirrel away every penny, your partner may not have. There are 2 factors shaping the development of preferences:

1. Nature: your genetic predisposition to experience harmony where another may not;

2. Nurture: your learning history throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

3 driving factors for collaborative disagreements:

1. Non-attachment to your preference; your ability to be flexible when your preference is challenged

2. Tolerance, acceptance, or appreciation of your partner’s preference that is different from your own

3. Reflective communication when discussing differences by listening to and expressing your understanding of the difference that exists and collaboratively figuring out solutions.

A 5-step solution:

1. Get to know what the difference is and how it evolved. Ask yourself/your partner questions about your preference/their preference (what thoughts and emotions come up when confronted by the difference; how do you navigate these moments?);

2. After a more thorough understanding, practice recognizing 2 things: the difference when it manifests AND your moment-to-moment experience of the difference (thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, desired actions);

3. After an increased understanding and recognition, learn accurate and neutral words that capture your understanding and recognition of the difference AND your moment-to-moment experience of the difference;

4. Now you are ready to practice talking about the difference, your experience, and your partner’s experience. MAKE SURE to start with planning these discussions instead of practicing in the heat of the moment;

5. Discover ways to celebrate your success (e.g., being able to recognize and reflect on your experience when confronted by the difference rather than being reactive).

Next steps:

These solutions are incredibly complex and take time to understand and become effective at. Couples therapy provides you and your partner a warm and structured environment to develop the skills necessary to collaboratively disagree and save your relationship from the harm conflict can cause.

I invite you to check out our practice’s couples therapy page to learn more about how one of our therapists may serve your relationship.